Never Without You
by WelcomeToTheTeaParty
Summary: James runs away from the apartment when he finds he is the only one not able to cope with the death of his boyfriend. After a confusing dream and a spiritual visit from one green-eyed angel, will he stay strong enough to continue living without the person who made him the man he is today - the love of his life? Warning: Character death. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, just the story.**

_**A gift to my best friend Billie... surprise!**_

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"I can't do this..."

Sometimes and emotional journey can be just as meaningful as a physical journey; perhaps even more so. Some lucky people in this world get to travel all around the world with their friends and family, setting out on journeys and coming back with wonderful memories to last a lifetime.

My memories are haunted. Haunted by the face of my love; his smooth, creamy skin, his gorgeous bushy eyebrows, his deep green eyes, his dirty blonde hair...

I am distracted by a cool, wet teardrop falling from above landing delicately on my cheek. I look up above my head at the weeping willow, watching as the water droplets cascade across the brittle branches and glide from the ends and shatter on the earth, and myself, below. The tree's tears mingle with my own; we are both crying.

It is then that I notice the sky is crying, too, letting helpless drops of water graciously fall from the heavens. The sky's tears mingle with my own; _we are all crying_.

I understand; the cause of our upset is the loss of our faithful and loyal companions.

The sky startles me as it emits a strangled roar. It seems angry without the sun, seemingly forever hidden behind the menacing, dark clouds.

I lean against the willow tree, looking around at the orchard. Or, that is, what's left of it. All of the other trees (which used to be so full, green and lush) have been brutally slaughtered; cut to a mere stump, leaving one sad, lone tree in the field by itself.

I, myself, have lost the only companion I'd ever need in my life: Kendall.

We were so in love - he often joked that he loved me so much that he would take a bullet for me.

_And he did_...

She was crazed, deluded... _mad_.

She killed him. Kendall. _My_ Kendall.

It was Jo that pulled the trigger...

The tears start again as I break down. My t-shirt clad back slides down the bark of the willow as I land in a heap on the wet grass, waiting for sleep to consume me as a cry myself to sleep. It would be a tragic sight for anyone looking on, but I didn't care if anyone saw me in this state right now. Rare for me, but I wasn't in the mood for caring.

I let sleep overwhelm me as I submitted myself to dreamland.

Usually my dreams were all the same: I'd be forced to relive the horrifying events of... _that day_.

The day my Kendall was _cruelly_ taken from me.

This dream is... different...

...

_I'm surrounded by darkness. Nothing but the black of the night exists until I scream._

_I feel eyes on me, and my world flashes green. The jade orbs bore into mine as soft rosy lips descend onto mine. We fall into a kaleidoscope of colour and feeling... a feeling I cannot describe. I just don't want it to end, but as soon as the thought worms its way into my mind, the mirage of my Kendall pulls away from me._

"_It took some time to get here," he whispers, smiling softly;_

"_It's better late than never," I grin back at him, pressing our lips together once again._

...

_But as soon as our souls collided_, they were torn apart, as I experienced the familiar falling feeling that signalled the end of my sleep fantasy.

I don't want to wake up! I don't want to have to return to the cruel, cold-hearted world where I know Kendall will not be. Why must I live in harsh reality when dreams can fulfil me? It must be karma, after Kendall tried so hard to make my dreams come true. He succeeded... just by being there. He was _always_ there for me. Always loved me, even when we were five and had only just met...

...

"_Best friends forever!" the small blonde yelled, forcefully gripping a young James' pinky in his own._

"_And ever!" I add excitedly._

_..._

I smile at the childhood memory, as clear as ever in my head... but I am distracted by the sudden temperature change that greets me like a slap to the face. My eyes flicker open, and I take in my surroundings.

_When did it start snowing?_

I couldn't have been out for more than a couple of hours, but the scenery around me had changed dramatically.

The damp yellow-green grass had been covered in a thick, bright, crisp layer of white snow, and the dark, roaring sky was now calm and tranquil, the cloudy merely a light, dusky grey. The drips on the branches of the tree I lie under were staying put, frozen on the very tips of the branches.

My eyes drop and sweep across the floor, taking in the change of state, but my gaze fixates on one point in the field.

Footprints...

Obviously they can't be mine, I mean... I haven't moved. So, I do the first thing that pops into my head. I get up, and I go to investigate. I'm not thinking straight, having just woken up. The thought that it could be anyone - _anyone_ - doesn't really occur to me. They're just there, and I want to look at them.

I recognise that as I approach them, they appear to get further and further away from me, as though they were trying to run in the opposite direction.

My speed picks up; my feel slam hard into the crunchy snow as I run full pelt towards the footsteps, but they just get farther out of sight until they disappear altogether.

I come to an abrupt halt and scream out in sheer _frustration_ at the world.

At Jo, for killing Kendall, and breaking my heart in the process.

At my friends - Carlos and Logan, Katie, heck even Mama Knight - for not understanding the _pain_ I am going through. They say they do... they really don't.

_At being so lost without Kendall that I can't even find myself in this mess..._

I run out of breath and fall to my knees in the snow; I squeeze my eyes shut and wrap my arms around my middle, trying to hold in the sobs and control the pain, hurt and angst that courses like fire through my veins-

"James...?" a soft, tentative, angelic voice floats to my ears.

"Great now I'm hearing things..." I mutter through clenched teeth, trying so, so hard now to keep myself from shattering.

"James..." the voice sounds more certain... and closer... I slowly lift my head, and look in the direction of the voice.

I gasp.

"And I'm seeing things too..." I whisper, my voice breaking. The figure walking towards me shakes its head, and I can almost make out what looks suspiciously like... a smile?

"You're seeing me, James... because I want you to see me. I hoped you would want to see me too..." I'm standing now, feeling my face flush and my cheeks dampen with salt waters.

"H-how are you...?" I don't quite believe this.

Kendall's dead... _so why is he here_?

"You can do this James..." I never realised how close he was getting to me, but now it's all I can do not to look into those emerald green eyes before my own and become lost all over again.

"Kendall..." I breathe, reaching out my hand to touch him, needing some sort of recognition that I wasn't still dreaming. A dream inside a dream... I hate those.

My hand meets his chest... he's cold, but he's there... there's no heartbeat, but there's a sparkle in his eye and a sincere tone in his voice as it says my own name in reply.

My eyelids slide closed as his lips slide across my own. His hand cups the back of my neck, the other coming to rest on the small of my back. It's a simple kiss, just the slow movement of lips, but the emotion behind it is so raw, warm and overwhelming that I have to keep so focused as to not break down again. I sigh as we break apart.

"Listen..." his hand moves from my neck to my chin, as he lifts my head and our eyes lock, "I may not be with you in body, but I'll always be with you, right here..." he rests a hand against my rapidly beating heart. My eyes close once again.

"Kendall..." I repeat.

"You have my heart..." he breaths against my lips, his breath dusting over my face, "And I'll wait for you... I'll watch over you, I'll be here with you, always..." he takes a breath, "... You'll _never_ be without me,"

"I love you..." I say to him.

He smiles.

"I love you, too" he replies.

I smile back, feeling a rush of cold air. My eyes open, and I find my vision filled with nothing but the snowy field, but I still smile.

_Maybe I _can_ do this_...

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**A/N: Sorry if that was confusing... shoot me a PM if you want an explanation, or want to point out any mistakes; I think I confused myself for a bit in there...**

**I wrote something very similar in school for my imaginative writing controlled assessment around the theme 'Journey', but changed it so it's more obvious I'm talking about Kendall and I can made it clear (without being looked at strangely by my 50-something year old teacher) that it is James' POV, and that he's talking about another guy. So... this is the FanFiction rewrite! **_**I also got an A for the original**_**! Hooray! Also... props to those who caught my 'This Is Our Someday' and 'Worldwide' lyric references.  
**

**Reviews inspire me and keep me going, so please leave one :)  
**


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